yesterday Mom died. I know that 1000's of people die everyday. I know that everyone who is born into this world will die. Today I am thinking that this should not have happened. Today I am thinking that there was certainly something I should have done, could have done to keep her with us. The words people say to comfort me hold no comfort. They slide off of my invisible shield of intense grief. words like "She is in a better place." "She is with God now." "She didn't suffer." blah blah blah. Meaningless to me. How do I know she didn't suffer? How do I know she didn't want to scream out in pain but couldn't move? And where is this "better place"? How do we know she is with God? Does anyone know where God is? This must be the day for anger...I feel like breaking things.
Now I know why religion and the multitudes of "scared" words were written to explain the "after life". It is to help us deal with the most intense pain there is...the lost of a loved one...the lost of Mother. My pain feels like it will never never ease. I feel an intense pain and at the same time a huge vacuum, an emptiness. God and all things magical could help me. I could turn to God, to alcohol, drugs, or I could try to understand...or at least accept the mysteries of life. Today I feel too raw, I writhe in pain. I long for a scab to form. When will healing begin?
